CASTLE OF PAPER.

I am a solitary girl, enigmatic nothing but myself inside this castle of paper,just trying to be humble and kind; main mantra. Me and my cold play song. I wanna buzz, dance and take shots like it was nothing because you make me sick to my stomach, even if I tried to hate you I’d grit my teeth and remember that you were once my world; delicate.

Truth is, I am very strong but with every situation I always hit rock bottom and it always feels like the world is collapsing beneath my feet; horrendous 😢. Yes, I suffered depression, I faced it, dark dark depression, it ate me up like meat from a bone, I was crashed and I was burning, I was either winning or I was just going to die trying; it was real and it was not stopping, every morning I had to fix that smile, walk out of my room and made everything seem okay but I was trying so hard to hold it in till night fell and I would tell dear pillow all my secrets. I would tell her how I missed me, old me, the happy me, the bright me, the gone me; this was going to be the death of me. Deep inside me nothing was fine, I had lost myself, Dear old depression.

My body tried so hard to survive but my mind was willing to die. Sadness, anger, lack of energy , apathy and sweet old insomnia consumed me. The flashbacks are saddening, your condescending attitude shattered my world into a thousand pieces. It’s like you wrote down every word, goodbye spilled out very fast, seems like you had it all figured out, you were alright with how everything was going down. The worst thing about it is because you didn’t feel it, you just couldn’t get it. Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words ripped my skin apart, dear gone depression.

It was a rough road, a tough climb but it wasn’t over for me because I could see the top, I could see the end of the tunnel, I was actually winning, I was tired of crying, sick of dying yes I was dying but now I am smiling. Hope waited for me when I tried to leave, Faith held my hand when I couldn’t do it.

You think you are depressed, it’s okay to feel messed up and inside out. You are not at all out of this world, you are just human.

Just Hold on, pain ends.😊

With love💜💜💜✏

Sleeping Beauty.

I always want to wake up to my dreams: perfect nights, no fights, no fuss, no tears just a beautiful smile and endless beautiful dreams. I want to wake up cuddled up to someone one day so when I wake up, the dream is real. They say they like me but I am a total mess, an undiscovered wreckage. I hope my dreams come true. Today, two people sent me poems, I knew why they chose me, they knew I’d understand what they are going through, but I’m in a dream so I told them I don’t know what you are talking about. I want you to stop liking me, I want you to stop giving me credit, I am in a dream and I don’t want to wreck your dreams.

My eyes are filled with dust, my heart filled with trust so I always cry. Every night when I go to bed, I hit my knees, bow my head, thank the Lord for another day sleeping beauty. Get exited by the little things. About wearing a new outfit for the first time, about Sunday brunches with your best friends, about the cute guy next door, about finding your lost earring. About anything that makes you remotely happy, because as you grow up, passion fades, enthusiasm gets mistaken for foolishness and you are in a dream eventually. So don’t, like me, let this grey world stop you from shining, wake up from your dream and find your voice sleeping beauty.

Sometimes I get into bed and hope that I could fall asleep before I fall apart because it hurts like hell to know that it’s actually not a dream, when you pinch yourself and feel the pain. I said sorry too much, I said sorry for saying sorry. I said sorry like it was a greeting. I apologized for everything that went wrong, I always cleaned up the mess because I labelled myself as a disaster. I said sorry for not being good enough because he never said I was good enough. No one ever told me that I was more than the mess inside my head and the tsunami inside my heart so I had to apologize for every breath I took, I was a mess but I had to wake up, sleeping beauty.

Now she burns with passion and rages with love because it’s the only weapon her valet gave to her often and she missed that for a very long time, they saw my depression all I could say was that I was fine but I guess they could see how broken I was, how my laughter was forced, how my eyes were filled with sadness and how my passion died into depression, but I’m back now to give the world an unexpected smack.

Always and forever

With love💜

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW.

Time flies when the night is young. You are paining me, the dream is long just like a vacation. Down the mountains far away, into the snow, I want an adventure, no wine glasses, no cozy beds,no lingerie,no classical music just heavy coats and a thousand snuggles. Just an adventure you and me. Just a get away, a place where no one knows our names. Take me with you. I don’t want to steal your freedom, I don’t want to change your mind, I don’t have to make you love me, I want you to take your time, I don’t want to wreck your Monday, just take your time. Every touch is like the strongest drug in case you didn’t know.

I never said that I got it all figured out, I have lost a lot all my life, I’ve lost friends, best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, peoples who promised they would stay, no matter what, but guess what, life thought I deserved different. Not at one point did I say I’d live my days without doubt,I swear all I’ve ever done is be honest and modest, but the good ones are always left behind to clean up the mess. Well, I’m on it In case you want to know. This is sincerely unsaid, for all that you’ve given. It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I won’t be silent. I want to be better than I was, better than I am, I want to let it all go, I am not done with my growth or doing the most in case you didn’t know.

So, incase you didn’t know, you are a big deal, that’s all that matters. 😊

in case you didn’t know

Stay tuned😊

JUNE 14th II

……we did not plan it to be this way, you and I. I loved our story, sure it was messy but it had gotten us to where we were. Our aim was not to die😢😢it was to carry out the revolution, to make a reality of our ideas June 14th why?😢 Ten days to june 24th our anniversary hypothetically and again why?

So, I cried myself to sleep, I didn’t wipe off the make up on my face, I didn’t even change into my pajamas because I couldn’t feel anything other than how I was falling apart. My jeans so tight ate into my stomach, my neckless chocked me in my sleep June 14th!

Exams were in a week June 14th but you chose to happen anyway, so I called on to logic but no, it was still too early, the wound was still too fresh so I lived in the moment and realized that I had loved him more than he deserved so I had to swallow the bitter pill of him hurting me more than I deserved, the biggest problem was that I still cared.

I laid in the grass and looked into the sky as tears soaked up in my eyes. My heart needed more time to accept what my mind already knew, he wasn’t coming back, he had gotten what he wanted, he had crushed my pride, my signature pride.

I just want somebody who will never stop choosing me June 14th. Each day I put my head to my pillow trying to convince myself I’ve gone one day without you, it hurts, yes it still hurts that one person could cost so much.

Today, my forest is dark, the trees are sad, the nests are empty and all butterflies have broken wings. You broke my heart but I still love you with all the pieces.

…………

JUNE 14th.

It was when it all went down, hit hard like a wrecking ball, too hard it crushed both our worlds. I held on to the phone as you broke a dozen of promises. I couldn’t convince you hard enough that maybe our relationship wasn’t as crazy as it seemed but my words were old fashioned, very caveman like they didn’t cut it, sad right?

You called me “my girl”But all that had to change on June 14th. I was “a girl of the world” you loved it when I rapped to an Eminem song, you loved listening to me talking to my mama on the phone, you said I looked so pretty with no make up on, I believed you. I wish you told me from the start June 14th😿.

So I sat there reminiscing what I had gotten myself into, my emotions were running high so my logic was sinking low. All the derogatory comments, all the lies…..ooh wait, this is how a broken heart felt like, trust me I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you, and waiting for everyone to fall asleep so you can fall apart for everything to hurt so bad so that it can just end. I know exactly how it feels.

You taught me love can be an amazing and beautiful thing but on june 14th you also taught me that love will keep you up till midnight crying softly to yourself wondering how much more pain one can endure. Love is like a ticking bomb always explodes at the wrong time for the right person.

to be continued………😊😊😊

---

HUSTLE FOR THAT MUSCLE.

I woke up one morning, looked at myself in the mirror and realised that all this while I was a joke. I turned to my mum and told her, “mommy I think I look fat.” She told me, “no no honey you look just fine.” Typical mother sayings, you look fine, you look descent, you are beautiful. Yes mothers are the best but not everyone will understand how your outer look affects you till you show them how. My boyfriend once told me, he loves it that way but don’t keep fit for him,it’s for yourself honey. But I knew I wasn’t fit whatsoever. I got tired easily, I was lazy, I got back pains like an old lady then I realized I had to HUSTLE FOR THAT MUSCLE. Yes yes I know, the gym is expensive but you don’t need the gym to keep fit, you are your own gym. You don’t need to diet to keep fit, you need to eat according to your goals (do not starve yourself). Fitness comes with a lot of discipline. Discipline is doing what needs to be done even if you don’t want to do it, it is a choice.

Don’t do it for mommy, don’t do it for daddy, boyfriend/ girlfriend, do it for yourself. Show the universe that you never lose the fire. So I took the chance to smile, sweat, REPEAT.

Everyday is another chance to get stronger, to eat better, to live healthier and to be the best version of yourself. Fitness is not all about being better than someone else it’s about being better than you used to be. It’s like a relationship, never cheat and expect it to work. It is a way of life.

smile, sweat and REPEAT😊😊

Love is REAL.

Ever been in love? Oh yes I have. True love only occurs once and when it does, you will know it. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength and loving someone deeply, gives you courage. When this person walks out of your life, your strength is drained and not just a little bit, it is heavily drained because love makes a bigger part of a normal human being, but then you are only left with the courage that you are still deeply in love with someone……I can relate to this, I was once there (story for another day) you will cry, you will hurt, you will break, you will feel it, it’s normal to feel it, it’s okay to cry never hold back the effect of love. Love is a very strong feeling, from family, friends and at most from a partner. But for sure you have to know that love is the answer but also love is a flower you’ve got to let it go, what is meant for you will always come back at the right time and you’ll be glad you let it go. But always try to be the rainbow in all these clouds💜.

Love today

Love tomorrow

Love forever

It is the only commandment with a promise.

ECCLESIASTES 7:13